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The prosperity engendered by the tariff measures of Calvin Coolidge was greatly enhanced by the genius of his successor, Herbert Hercules, who extended the principle of the tariff to operate among the several states, and even between counties. So general was the enthusiasm and happiness of the people that when the great efficiency engineer economist's term of office was over, many of them wanted to make him king or dictator, like Mussolini; and a delegation was appointed to call upon him and ask him to take over the government and administer the tariffs. He was finally persuaded to do this, on condition that he be allowed to inaugurate a "new economic policy," which should represent the final completion and rounding out of the protectionist program. He explained that while the tariff had been applied consistently and logically to tariff between communities, it had not yet been applied to trade between individuals, and assured the delegation that by extending the principle in this way he could further enhance the prosperity and happiness of the people.

And So the Sales Tax

Thus, in the first year of his reign as king and dictator and regulator and extender of the tariffs, the great efficiency engineer-economist issued an edict taxing all sales, all trade between individuals. He explained to the people that the new order was for the purpose of encouraging industry, providing employment and increasing wealth; that, while it might seem a hardship at first, in the long run, like the tariff, it would enhance the prosperity of the people so much that they would be able to buy and sell and trade more than ever.

The sales taxes were an unmixed blessing, like the tariff. When farmers had to pay a tax on the shoes they bought, they were encouraged to make their own shoes, and in this way they found employment, and also kept their money at home. Plumbers found that they were taxed on the meats they bought so they raised their own chickens and pigs and cows. Many people found clothing, with the tax added, too expensive to buy, so they made their own clothes. In this way housewives were given employment, and the money was kept at home, and all people were blessed and made rich therewith.

Problem Keeps Recurring

But here again was encountered the same vicious circle that was met in the enactment of state tariffs. The higher the sales taxes were made, the more employment the people had, and the more prosperous they became, and the more goods they were able to buy, the higher the sales tax had to be raised again. It finally became necessary to create a government tax board whose function was to raise the sales tax each week. Thus the great efficiency engineer-economist had again enriched his people by the application of simple economic principles which had never been understood even fry the most learned economist.

But even greater achievements were in store for them, for the great efficiency engineer-economist, king and dictator and regulator and extender of the tariff, issued a second mandate of even more far-reaching importance than the first. Realizing full well that the people might not understand the profound and subtle logic of his scheme, he explained that the sales tax was not fully effective, for the reasons above mentioned; that it was essential to all tariff legislation, and indeed to all legislation designed to enrich the people, that it must operate to prevent the people from working in the most effective and advantageous way possible; that national tariffs, for instance, were imposed to prevent the world from taking advantage of the economy of international division of labor; the interstate tariffs were useful only as far as they prevented the development of regional or territorial division of labor; and that the sales taxes were enriching the people by reducing occupational division of labor, but that when once the people had become very prosperous, the sales taxes were no longer fully effective.

End of Specialization

Therefore, as a supplement to the sales taxes, he was issuing a decree that all specialized occupations should be abolished; that all plumbers should become farmers, that all farmers should take up carpentry, plastering or plumbing; that all lawyers should engage in the grocery business, and that all grocery-men should teach languages in the university. It was further decreed that every man should change his occupation at least once a year and should trade jobs with his wife at least one day in each week. If he didn't have a wife, he could trade jobs with someone else's wife.

This order aroused much discussion. and there were some who declared that it would ruin the country, but the profound logic of it gradually permeated the public understanding. The new order provided much more employment, since workers could not do as much as formerly, and more of them were required, and of course this raised wages and increased the general prosperity.

More Workers Required

For instance, it took twice as many men to teach the language when grocerymen taught them as had been required when professors performed that service; it took twice as many men to manage the farms when plumbers did the work as had been needed when farmers farmed; in fact, it required about twice as many men to do the work of the country as had been required before; and inevitably this great demand for labor raised wages and enriched the people. It is true that some of the goods and services offered were not as good as had been offered previously, but what the people lacked in goods and services they made up in employment and prosperity, and much more indeed.

Hobbles for Workers

But the great crowning achievement of the great efficiency engineer-economist, King and regulator and extender of the tariffs, was still to come, and it followed as the logical climax to the great series of constructive decrees just recorded. In the third year of his reign, he issued an order that all workmen, while engaged in the performance of their duties, should wear chain hobbles not to exceed one foot in length. As on previous occasions, he explained the philosophy underlying the decree. He pointed out that all of the various laws and decrees imposed during the past years had been designed to prevent the world, the nation, and the states from availing themselves of the most economical and effective ways of doing things; that these laws had, in a sense, hobbled and obstructed economic activities, to the great benefit and enrichment of the people; and that obviously hobbling the people themselves would be attended by the same benefit.

Not Exactly Perfect

All this seemed so reasonable that the people cheerfully accented the new decree and adjusted their hobbles, with hearts grateful for the wise and courageous leadership that God and the Republican party had given them. It was soon evident, however, that while the new decree greatly increased the amount of employment and prosperity, its blessings were unequally distributed, that the hobbles were a far greater benefit to some than to others. They were far more beneficial, for instance, to tall men than to short men, more helpful to farmers and mail carriers, who walked a great deal, than to professors and chauffeurs, who walked very little and so received scarcely any benefit at all; and it was presently found necessary to revise the edict, to permit other ways of interfering with activity.

Other Devices Prescribed

So other ways were authorized. In some occupations, workmen were permitted to tie one arm behind them, in others they were required to wear blinders over one eye, in others they must walk backward, in still others they were required and permitted to stand on their heads. With a beautiful and touching fidelity to the great principle of circulatory obstructionism, brain workers were required to wear their collars at least two sizes too small for them. Thus each occupation had an appropriate blessing, for like all the decrees of the great tariff regulator, this decree was very scientifically drawn.

Thus was the program of protectionism brought to the logical ultimate perfection. Thus was it brought to flower in new heights of wealth and prosperity for God's chosen people. It seemed that there could be no further possible extensions of this great energizing, wealth-producing principle. But suddenly, without any warning, unforeseen even by the greatest business minds, a cruel depression settled down upon the people.

Why Bring That Up?

There was much dispute as to how it got into the country. Some said that Bolshevik agents brought it in; others thought it came from Europe, by way of Honduras, in a bunch of bananas. It was only known that it came from Europe, and that it was not due to high tariffs -- but that is another story, and not one to make children happy.